Half Open

Before moving forward, yours truly is letting you know that this post was typed with eyes half-closed. Or half-open, if you're an optimist. Either way, still not a nice way to type.

It's been a few days past a week since I last posted something here. I'd really like to tell you a lot about what I'm doing, but then again I don't want to bore you. Ha. As if these posts aren't boring enough.

So anyway, with this post composed through the clicking sound of my keyboard and my overflowing thoughts, here's questioning why the hell men these days got so complicated over things they shouldn't?

I mean, seriously. Being complicated is women's best trait. We don't need men to come over and take it away from us. Men should be rational, logical, and all things women are not. But having stuck in some bizarre positioning at work with my fellow kick-ass girl friend Eirene, I found this fact annoying, but in all means, a true one.

Which leads me to the most important question: WHY?

But yeah, I don't expect the answers to come in sooner. Some things are better left unanswered anyway.

What I really want to say is it's been a busy, busy month despite the fact that it's not even ten days yet. A bestfriend is having his birthday soon, and I figured that one of the ways to know who your true friends are is by finding out who'd be going through hell to present you a personal birthday gift.

I may not seem the type, but yes: I'm one of those people who'd willing to go through hell if it means I can see a smile plastered on my friend's face upon receiving a gift I personally crafted for them. Not that I can craft anything, but for me, a birthday present should be two things: 1) it's made of something they like; or better yet, it's THAT something they like, and 2) it's made of your love and the friendship you've built for years.

To that very special friend, it's H-2 and I hope I can see a big smile plastered in your face when I hand out the gift to you.
...because it might be my last.

So before some of you concludes this as a suicidal last post, let me deny this and move forward to the most important part.

HERE'S PRAYING TO GOD THAT HE SHALL GRANT YOU WITH HEALTH, because really, without it you'd be dead shit by now. It's something you always take for granted, and when it goes, you go gaga. So yeah.

And here's praying that God would give me back my health. It's gone today and I need it back soon.

Good night.

I'm Miraculously Alive

It's been exactly 7 days since my last post here. Kind of an achievement, I must say, for posting within a week. Well.

So what's been happening to me this past week?

Plenty. And Friday was the peak of all work. I had to be in 3 places all at once and I managed to do it somehow HAHAHA. But then again it was all fun. I like being busy, because it gives me some kind of life purpose. Yeah I know it's kind of pathetic but then again, it keeps my mind on the good things.
Working make me so tired that I get to sleep easier at night. TRUE STORY. Ha.

So today I woke up pretty late (got 9 hours of sleep; the longest I had this week) and everyone was already gone. I'm left at home with no money for food and last night's supper. *sigh*
I was browsing along and I found out that Arashi's Popcorn Tour DVD is leaked already.
Alright, before you all got confused, here's the thing: I've been rooting for this sappy pop Japanese boyband called Arashi. I figured that behind every girl's success at work and nice GPAs, there's always something she's been hiding and one of them is their odd liking towards weird things. Mine is Arashi. Another friend's SHINee, a Kpop group, and another friend's... baby food. Yeah, I know.
I think girls need to like at least one weird thing to keep them sane while doing their job. Well, Arashi has done pretty good to me. They dress like clowns dipped in trash cans sometimes, but they got my mind off of things and they always make me laugh. Their dorkiness are somehow comforting and it feels nice to know that they won't judge me for not working hard enough or having a job ruined because of my mistakes.

Well anyway, I've been liking Ninomiya Kazunari for almost a year now. He's one of those dorky guys known as Arashi. I first knew him last summer, and had fallen in love eversince. The main reason is because he's very much my type, and my type is basically an asshole so it's amusing to see a celebrity make an asshole out of himself. Like he's not afraid of being hated or anything. People know him because he's been a brat eversince he debuted and he doesn't mind about it.
In Arashi concerts, there's always a solo part for every one of them. Nino's first solo was Niji, and he played the piano on stage and it was 5 years ago. In this Popcorn concert tour, he's back with his piano singing a Niji continuation song, and I've been waiting for this solo for these past months because truth be told I don't really like him without the piano.
I was so glad I stay at home today because of these:

Alright, let me point some things out:
1) I love a guy who can play the piano,
2) and I love him better when he can sing as well because it means he has a great focus,
3) and Nino does them both.

so needless to say, I don't think I can fall out of love with this amazing, small-and-bratty Japanese guy.

I haven't got the leaks to the full concert yet, but having Nino's solo kept in my laptop already made my day.

And oh, I finally watched Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close today. I already read the book way before the movie came out, and I found it intriguing and thrilling at the same time. But the movie was a different experience. It was a heartbreaking experience, and I cried all the way throughout the movie. I think it's very good that the movie doesn't dwell too much on Oskar's grandma's past and focused on the relationship between Thomas and Oskar instead, because that way the point of the book is achieved.
The last time I cried that much was when I was reading John Green's The Fault in Our Stars, and I can honestly say that it was a good cry. I feel like I need to cry these past few days, and it relieved me that I could cry that much of tears today HAHA.

Well, alright. This post is heading to the Depression St. so I think I gotta end it here.

Talk to you soon, alright?

And remember: whatever happens, stay strong. Because things will get worse before they get better. ;)

On Being Afraid and Making Decisions

Hello,

Here I am, trying to keep up with the promise I made on my previous post. Funny how we actually feeling more responsible and committed to the promise we made with things instead of people. HAHA.
Alright. Have you read the title? I suppose you have.

Being afraid.

Does that ring a bell to you? Well of course, especially for those who live under that impression all the time. To those who don't, well, congratulations. Being brave is one hell of a tough job.
We're all humans. And humans have these emotions, being afraid is one of them. Some people take it as a sign of weakness. Oh come on, remember when Piglet hesitated to come out and help Winnie when he was almost blown out by the wind? You probably think what a loser Piglet was, no?
Pardon my weird analogy, but I think you got my point.
To me, being afraid is not a sign of weakness. It's a sign of being human. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with being human. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to pull a wise man shit on you readers. Sometimes I too, have a knack for people who are too afraid to try anything, especially when those people are the ones I call 'friends'.

I had an interesting conversation with one of my best friends sometime around this week. He's been my best friend for over 4 years now, and we're currently at the point where we can understand each other even without saying anything. Kinda like mind-reading, yes, but a lame one. :P
Alright, back to the story.
Over the course of 4 years that I've known him, I rarely seen him being scared. Not even when I told him ghost stories when he was alone. But that day, I could tell that he was genuinely afraid.
...of falling in love.
I secretly laughed when I read his message. He hated being a hopeless guy who waited around for a reply to his text. He hated being controlled by something he couldn't handle. And most of all, he was afraid that he won't be loved back the way he wanted to. After he finished with his rants, I told him,"Well, to make it easier for you, we all do. We're all afraid of not being loved back in return. We're all afraid of getting hurt, of getting our hopes too high, of getting trampled like trash. But in the end, if you really loved someone and you think they're worth every shit you're going through to get them, well... you should go after them."

I probably sounded like a drunk female version of Mario Teguh when I said that, but being someone who already went through everything for love, I could understand the fear. To tell you the truth, I haven't fully recovered from loving someone for years and not being loved back in return. At some point last year I didn't even think that I could manage to love anyone ever again, but hey, I did. I started to acknowledge the fact that he didn't love me, and I started to get close with other guys. And it turned out to be a wonderful, exciting  experience. I almost can't believe I missed all the fun of hanging out with a bunch of guy friends.
And as of right now, as I start to fall for this new guy, I also start to embrace the fear. The fear of not being loved back, of being turned down, of getting my hopes too high.
...Because hey, what's love without a little fear anyway? The fear is supposed to be there to keep us sane, because we tend to lose our sanity once we're in love. So it really is a good thing. Fear should be a friend, but don't get too close. Make room for hope as well. :)

And now, on making decisions.

I think we all spend too much time and energy on trying to make wise decisions. The ones we won't regret later in the future because hey, remember that damn phrase people put as their life motto? "Don't look back and live with regrets."
And regrets mostly came from bad or wrong decisions.
Hmm, not entirely true.
We can make the right decisions and we could end up regretting them anyway. So what's the point on trying too much to make wise decisions?
Besides, how do we know that we made a wise decision anyway?
Is there a blinking sign that says,"CONGRATS, YOU JUST MADE A WISE DECISION YOU WON'T EVER REGRET!"? I suppose there isn't, and there won't be any sign for a wise decision. Upon making decisions, I think the one that we should really keep in mind is that this decision was made based on our best efforts in things we do. Besides, people can never learn from good decisions. They learned from the bad ones, the ones they shouldn't take in the future. So unless you're someone who thinks that they're smart enough not to learn anything, then don't make a wise decision. Make for what you think was the best and the rightest thing to do at the moment. Don't worry too much on how it will end up as long as it doesn't involve drugs or the police or the FBI (alright, not funny) you put your faith on that decision, and of course... on yourself.
Lastly, believe in the good things. Believe that God, albeit invisible and sometimes don't come around as much as you want to, is up there watching you and making sure that you learn through your time on Earth. So have fun. Make mistakes. Regret and weep on them for a while, and get back on your feet again.
I spent my teenage years not believing anyone who said that things are going to be okay, and I'm going to be fine, and my life would get better as time goes by. Well now all I can say is BELIEVE THEM because eventually, things will. Life will. And you will.

:)

My Life in These Past Months

Hello, blogger. It's been almost a year since I last posted here.
The funny thing about blogging is after a while your blog feels kinda like a virtual home. But then you get a new job and lots of things to do and you probably end up renting an apartment near your workplace and you  rarely visit your home anymore. But it's still there, waiting for you to come back. You've tried staying overnights but you never succeeded. And then after a while you miss it like hell and your feet (or in this case, fingers) brought you back here again and things are starting to comfort you like they've always been.

Alright, enough with the babbling analogy.

Anyways,
I feel old. Alright, what's new hahaha. But the thing is I've been blogging since I was in middle school and now I'm on my senior year of college and it feels like time flies so fast. I used to share a bit of my daily life here but then I stopped and I feel like I'm abandoning a childhood friend. Well, if I ever finished this post I hope I'd update more and more because truthfully, I miss writing. This probably sound stupid because I spend my days writing assignment papers but then again nothing cures me like writing. It's the cheapest therapy I could ever get. I was a lot more normal and sane back in the days when I still write hahaha.

Life's been well. I started the 6th semester feeling content because unlike most of my friends I only took up 15 credits because I've already spent 5 semesters taking full credits, and I thought,'WOW I CAN FINALLY/ACTUALLY SLOW DOWN A LITTLE THIS SEMESTER. I'm gonna go take some Japanese course or cooking lessons.' BUT BOOM. Life betrayed you like no other. I somehow got caught up in extracurricular activities in my campus, NOT TO MENTION a NGO I joined a few years ago outside of campus. AND MY TRIP TO AUSTRALIA! oh wow this has turned into an incredibly messy post now hasn't it? :))

So many things to tell, and yet so little time to write. Pfft.

I can honestly say I'm in the middle of that phase where I'd just flip off a table just because I'm fed up with the amount of work I have to do, but then again I know I'd look back in these days and tell my future kids that these are my golden days. I know I will. :)

And regarding my trip to Melbourne, Australia for WorldMUN 2013, I don't think I could ever manage to be a full-time traveler. I get attached too easily. I only stayed for a week there but it took me 2 weeks to recover. The first night I spent back home didn't feel like home. I miss(ed) everything there: the air, the tram, the people, the food, and the fact that I could simply walk anywhere without having to fear of thugs and shit. I almost cried when the plane took off from Tullamarine, and my heart was slightly broken as I breathed the air of my own hometown. Oh well, I guess I have to agree with Ibn Battutta:

"Traveling: it gives you home in thousand strange places, then leaves you a stranger in your own land."

I'll go back there as soon as possible, amiin.

Till next time, Blogger! I promise we'll see each other again very soon. ;)

20 Tahun 4 Hari

4 hari yang lalu, gue resmi mencapai umur 20 tahun. Umur yang kata gue udah bisa digolongkan sebagai umur 'tante-tante'. Tadinya pas ultah mau ngeposting, tapi ternyata internet rumah mati. Dan sekarang ngetik di warnet gurem deket rumah yang keyboardnya offroad.

BUT ANYWAYS,
di ultah yang kedua puluh ini, gue melakukan sesuatu yang agak beda (sedikit banyak terinspirasi dari Ridu). Gue matiin notif birthday di Facebook. Yep. Bukannya sok seleb atau apa, tapi entah kenapa gue lagi pengen 'nyepi'. Gak lagi pengen gembar-gembor ke dunia maya kalo'hei, hari ini gue ultah lho. Ucapin dong!'
I did that simply because I want my birthday belongs to me. ;)
Tapi ternyata masih banyak yang ingat walaupun gue gak heboh di facebook/twitter/bbm. MAKASIH LHO SEMUA YANG NGUCAPIIIN~~~ seneng ya kalo ada orang yang ingat ultah gue bukan karena notif facebook, tapi karena emang mereka mikirin gue #tsaaah #disambit. Dan berhubung gue udah kepala dua, maka ucapan yang masuk rata-rata memuat kata 'jodoh' dan 'cepat lulus'. Bikin ngakak nangis sambil mengamini dalam hati :))

Berhubung gue pengen nyepi di hari ultah gue, jadilah hari itu gue lewatkan seperti hari-hari liburan sebelumnya: tidur-tiduran di kamar, baca-baca. Diem-diem ajalah pokoknya... sampai negara api menyerang Iza dateng ngetok-ngetok pintu kamar sambil bawa kue red velvet dan notebook handmade. SENENG BANGET dan merasa bersalah juga, karena Iza udah 2 tahun berturut-turut surprise-in gue dan gue gak pernah bales karena ulang tahun dia selalu pas sama jadwal ujian gue (makanya ultah jangan Maret dong Za).

Being 20 freaks me out in a way - because I see people my age have already started their career, achieve great things and doing good deeds WAAAY better than I ever did. And I see an uncertain future ahead of me - a future I can only fill with my efforts because without them, there would be no future for me. My responsibilities appear even clearer than before - closer, clearer, and haunting. And motivating, somehow.

All in all, my birthday has been nice, in a decent way.

I'd like to thank God for giving me a good, 20 years of life so far added with amazing family and superb friends.

Oya, ada satu ucapan paling berkesan unik yang datang sehari setelahnya.

"Selamat ulang tahun ya, sekarang tanggal 10 di Afrika."

Nice one. I look forward to a different country next year, then. Let's see what country you'd come up with ;)

On Learning How to Write "Arigatou" Properly

So yeah, since my seemingly endless vacation has turned out to be not so endless anymore as each day passes, I decided to get serious on (at least) one thing during the remaining leisure days, that is.... *drumrolls* LEARNING JAPANESE!!!

Yep, learning the mother tongue of my newest crush aka future husband Ninomiya Kazunari. It's actually not a new language for me since I've studied Japanese briefly for 3 years during middle school. I put aside all of my Japanese madness after finishing middle school, but then it came back to me again during a boring French class and the fact that I really, really want to go to Japan someday as soon as I marry a rich guy who pays for my trip  possible. :P

I always find Japan interesting. The fact that most of them probably can't read a universal alphabetical system but are able to read more than 1000 characters instead is pretty awesome. The culture, the advanced Asian atmosphere and... I don't know, everything about Japan is lovely for me. I think the only reason people get through the hell of learning Japanese is because Japan captivates them in a certain way that it fuels the will to push yourself to understand the language in any way possible. I mean, what else can it be? If you're a foreigner who's used to speak and write according to the universal alphabetical order (A to Z) and according to the 'subject predicate object' pattern, learning Japanese is not easy. Japanese DOES your language in a 180 degrees different way. It doesn't acknowledge alphabets (unless for romaji stuffs) and it uses 'subject object predicate' instead as its sentence pattern. 

But then again, everything is fun when there's something you fall in love with from it. :))

my weapons

as you can see from the picture above, I pretty much decided to learn it by myself since I'm not sure I'll have the time for courses. I bought Barron's Japanese Grammar 3rd edition and dictionaries. The rest of my materials (not shown here) were given by Essy, a friend who took Japanese during our 2nd semester of college. I also printed some of my favorite lyrics with its  original Kanji writings and romaji to practice my writing skill.

Learning a language has always been fun for me since I was a kid, because my parents showered me with English books and movies and it proves to be the most effective way to learn a language. Since then, everytime I learn a new language, I take the 'entertainment' route instead of the boring course route. I believe that humans learn easier by doing the things they love. I love watching movies, listening to great songs and reading, so I think: why not watching Japanese movies or reading Japanese books or listening to great Japanese songs?
When you want to learn a new language, try to blend the language in the things you love and the things you do on a daily basis. Sometimes I mumble in Japanese or sounding the sentences I've learned. You'll be surprised by how much you enjoy learning it. And the best part is, you can set your own progress~

my current 'homework'. :D

Now go get ready and learn a new language, fellas!

Another Small Thing That Leads to a Big Thing

To be honest, this is probably the most personal post I've ever wrote to date. My belief is something that I think, more personal and private than my love life HAHAHA.

Post ini ditulis bukan untuk menyombongkan diri atau pencitraan alim (percaya deh, biarpun gue berjilbab, temen-temen gue ga ada yang percaya gue alim), tapi murni untuk tujuan sharing aja sebagai manusia yang percaya Tuhan dan percaya agama. Hehehe.

Pagi ini gue memutuskan untuk tadarus setelah solat Subuh – sesuatu yang, jujur aja – Cuma gue lakukan di saat-saat tertentu. Ya kayak sekarang ini, pas lagi puasa :P

Setelah baca 2 surat pendek, gue mulai tersendat. Suara gue makin pelan, dan lama-lama… nangis. Sesenggukan. Sampe sekarang gue masih susah mendeskripsikan secara persis perasaan apa yang tadi gue rasain pas nangis sesenggukan, tapi ada satu kata yang cukup representatif: MALU.

Iya, malu.

Malu karena gue sering janji sama diri sendiri untuk lebih sering baca Qur’an sejak gue pake jilbab (kurang lebih setahun yang lalu), tapi gak pernah gue tepati. Looking back, I was quite a religious person. Keluarga gue selalu memastikan gue mendapat asupan pelajaran agama yang cukup. Ngaji 5 kali seminggu, dan sering juga dapet tambahan sesi fiqih setiap akhir minggu. Masa SD – SMP gue dihabiskan dengan tadarus dan fiqih. Sejak SD – SMA, gue selalu dapet nilai memuaskan untuk mata pelajaran agama. Tapi semakin gue beranjak dewasa (eh, dewasa secara umur maksudnya. Kelakuan sih masih proses) semakin jauh gue sama hal-hal relijius. Solat, yang dulu gue lakukan secara otomatis, menjadi sesuatu yang mulai terasa seperti kewajiban. Dan apa-apa yang wajib dimana-mana itu biasanya malah bikin gue makin malas. Ngaji? Apalagi. Frekuensi ngaji gue makin menurun. Dari 5 kali seminggu, bisa Cuma sekali sebulan – itupun kayaknya udah bagus banget.

‘Rapor’ agama gue cukup membaik setelah gue memutuskan untuk berjilbab. Iya, kelakuan preman tapi insyaf. Hahaha. Sebelum dan pas awal gue berjilbab, menurut gue berjilbab itu pencapaian. Tapi semakin lama gue berjilbab, pandangan gue berubah. Berjilbab itu proses belajar, bukan pencapaian akhir. Berjilbab itu penyesuaian, bukan simbol keberhasilan. Dengan berjilbab, lo mengemban kewajiban untuk berperilaku baik dan rajin melengkapi kebutuhan religius :P berjilbab itu, menurut gue… adalah ujian self-control yang paling susah :))

Anyway, balik lagi ke pengalaman gue setelah tadarus… setelah 4 surat pendek, akhirnya gue berhenti. Panik karena nangis terus, kayak keran bocor. Saat itu gue merasa malu, ketampar. Gila, selama ini gue kufur nikmat banget. Sederhana aja, saat itu gue menganalogikan kondisi gue seperti ini: kalo gue janjian sama temen terus tiba-tiba temen batalin janji, gue biasanya ngerasa kesel banget. Disitu gue merasa gue sering batalin janji gue sama Tuhan, tapi Tuhan gak pernah marah. Nikmat hidup gue tetap terus mengalir. Gue tetap bisa bangun pagi setiap hari, ketawa, makan enak, dan liat keluarga gue setiap saat.

Tuhan, dalam imajinasi gue saat itu, seperti tersenyum memaklumi setiap gue batal mendekatkan diri kepadaNya. Seperti mengerti dan menunggu gue untuk menoleh ke belakang dan menyadari kalo Dia selalu ada disitu, gak kemana-mana. Yang perlu gue lakukan cuma minta.

Mungkin kedengaran agak dangdut, tapi saat itu gue merasa gue baru benar-benar bisa meresapi kalimat (potongan ayat sih sebenarnya) ini: “…dan nikmat Tuhan mana lagikah yang kamu dustakan?”

Gue merasa gak pantas menerima nikmat sebanyak ini. Dengan tingkat keimanan yang seikhlasnya, Tuhan bisa aja kasih gue dalam jumlah paling minimal… tapi nyatanya tidak. Gue merasa Tuhan sabar banget menghadapi gue yang bandel, suka rewel, dan lebih sering ngeluhnya daripada ngucapin makasih 5 kali sehari.

Tadarus baru sekali, tapi rasa syukur gue udah meningkat berlipat-lipat.

Akhir kata, gue Cuma mau memaparkan konklusi gue. Menurut gue, bagaimanapun cara manusia memaknai Tuhan, pada akhirnya akan dihadapkan pada 1 potongan ayat yang magis itu: “…dan nikmat Tuhan mana lagikah yang kamu dustakan?”

Dan satu lagi, learning from my experience this past year, menurut gue keimanan bukan hadiah. Keimanan itu harus dibangun dan dibentuk, dan kitab suci adalah buku petunjuknya. Dan karena konsep buku petunjuk itu, manusia berhak untuk menggunakan dan berhak untuk tidak menggunakan, sesuai kebutuhan aja.

Well, segitu dulu renungan religius kali ini. Semoga puasa hari ini tetap sesuai koridor ya, guys. :))

Salam hangat dari mahasiswi pengangguran

Jadi setelah posting soal rekomendasi bacaan buat di jalan, hati gue pun tergerak untuk posting blog lagi. I used to be a quite active blogger, you see... sampai negara api menyerang lalu hidup menjadi semakin sibuk dan jungkir balik, dan tingkat kemalasan untuk mendeskripsikan hidup dalam kata-kata jadi semakin tinggi. Hehehe.
But anyways, tadi sempat baca-baca sebentar isi blog gue selama ini, dan terakhir posting soal hidup sehari-hari itu kayaknya pas gue semester 3. Sekarang udah kelar semester 4 dan beranjak semester 5 aja, gilaaa hidup itu kadang cepat banget larinya. Jejaknya aja kadang suka gak keliatan #eh.

So yeah. Semester 4 sudah berlalu. Gue makin tegang karena sisa 3 semester lagi, dan konon 3 semester terakhir adalah rangkaian semester paling menguji nyali selama proses mencari sesuap gelar S1. Mulai meninjau-ninjau lagi rencana masa depan gue, segitupun kayaknya merasa suram padahal I've already planned out my life since I was in middle school. Iya, gue memang terkadang seperti Bella Swan: terlihat dan berlaku lebih tua daripada usia sebenarnya #pret.

Lucunya, gue cukup menikmati ketegangan ini. Kombinasi perasaan tegang dan semangat untuk 'membangun jalan' menuju masa depan yang cerah *insert opening song anime here*. Perasaan 'gue harus lanjut S2 nih, tapi bingung mau cultural studies, HI lagi, apa jurnalistik ya?' dan 'anjrit, S1 aja gue gatau kapan kelar, apalagi S2 nih...' kombinasi perasaan-perasaan itu, call me a masochist, membuat gue jadi lebih terpacu untuk membuktikan diri kalo gue bisa. Gue termasuk tipe orang yang bahkan suka menyangsikan kemampuan diri sendiri, and I tend to break before I tried. Gue pikir, okelah selama ini gue kayak gitu, tapi sekarang gue udah mau 20 masa mau gitu terus yegak~~


Jadi, melewatkan seharian dengan riset jurusan dan universitas yang gue pengen ambil untuk S2 itu secara unik menjadi salah satu terapi kemalasan gue. Gue pengen cepet lulus, pengen sekolah lagi, pengen bisa ngebanggain keluarga. Dan untuk mencapai itu, gue gak bisa usaha dengan level seikhlasnya. Perlu banyak kerja keras, doa, dan dukungan. #eaaa


Dan yang tidak disangka-sangka, gue apply Beswan Djarum. Padahal awalnya gak berencana sama sekali, tapi tiba-tiba di sebuah siang yang panas pas nemenin Essy ke DPM, formulir pendaftaran Beswan disodorkan ke gue dan gue berpikir: why not taking the chance? I've got nothing to lose anyway. Kalo dapet ya syukur deh per bulan dapet 700 ribu buat sedekah di Kinokuniya, kalo gak dapet yaaa bukan rejeki gue. :))
Sebenarnya, tanggal submitting aplikasi-nya udah lewat jauh tapi ternyata masih boleh submit. Doakan ya. :))


On a lighter note, selain cari-cari dan bermimpi macam-macam untuk masa depan gue, liburan ini pun gue kembali menghidupkan kecintaan gue terhadap Jepang (terutama aktor-aktor gantengnya). Gue dengan kerendahan hati menggolongkan diri gue sebagai mantan otaku. Pas SMP dulu gila banget dengan hal-hal yang berbau Jepang terutama manga, tapi semakin tua gue semakin keluar jalur ke-otaku-an. Dan gara-gara si doi, akhir-akhir ini gue mulai menekuni lagi kegilaan lama gue x))

Pas awal liburan dulu, gue sibuk banget bikin list hal-hal yang harus, kudu, mesti, wajib dilakukan selama liburan 3 bulan ini. Balas dendam terhadap 1 semester yang udah menggilas jiwa raga gue habis-habisan. Dari mulai rutin pengen berenang sampe pengen les bahasa Jepang di Japan Foundation. Tapi ternyata, gak ada satupun yang terwujud. Sebagai penggila list, harusnya gue kecewa. Kegiatan-kegiatan yang mau gue lakukan selama liburan ini udah gue rancang sedemikian rupa, bermanfaat bagi kemaslahatan gue pribadi *digaplok* dan ternyata sampe detik inipun belum ada yang gue penuhin. Tapi kemudian gue  berpikir lagi: doing nothing is the point of a vacation.
You've worked your ass off, dan selama lo kerja/kuliah lo selalu mengidam-idamkan waktu dimana lo gak perlu melakukan apa-apa, dan ketika lo dapet waktu itu lo malah pengen macem-macem? :))

Dan di penghujung waktu sebelum gue tambah tua setahun, I took a step back out of everything and looked back on my life and I'm grateful that I did a pretty damn good job. Masih banyak kesalahan sana-sini, masih banyak kecerobohan dan keputusan-keputusan yang salah, tapi gue bersyukur gue sampai disini, di titik ini, bersama orang-orang ini. Bersyukur banget.

I hope everyone's enjoying their life right now. :)

Books to Read on A Roadtrip

Jujur dulu boleh ya?
Jujur nomor 1, sebenernya gak pernah ada niat buat nulis ini, karena menurut gue selera buku gue cupu dan terlalu aneh (sukses dibuktikan dengan kernyitan dahi teman2 yang berlipat banyak tiap gue bawa buku ke kampus), tapi berhubung 'ditodong' sama Mas Arya (@kelakuan)... Here goes. :D

Jujur nomor 2, menurut gue buku apa aja enak dibaca sih selama di perjalanan. HAHA. Berhubung gue tipe pecinta buku, I don't mind reading any book with any theme during a roadtrip. Tapi di postingan ini, gue bakal nyoba mengerucutkan rekomendasi gue deh.

#1 Catcher in the Rye – J.D. Salinger

Siapa sih yang gak tau buku ini? Awalnya gue pikir buku ini terlalu over-rated, tapi setelah baca, gue ngerti kenapa buku ini gak pernah ketinggalan jaman.

Sejak pertama beli dan baca, gue GAK BISA LEPAS dari buku ini. Both in literal and metaphorical way :P sebelumnya, gue gak pernah baca buku yang banyak slang words di dalamnya, dan di buku ini? Whoa. Bertebaran. Slang macam 'dough', 'helluva', 'phony', nongol banyak banget dan bikin geleng-geleng geli saking frontalnya. Buku ini sebenarnya cocok dibaca kapan aja dan dimana aja sih, tapi menyesuaikan dengan judul postingan, menurut gue alasan kenapa buku ini cocok dibaca dalam perjalanan adalah karena buku ini sendiri nyeritain tentang pengalaman spontaneous roadtrip-nya seorang Holden Caulfield di NYC, remaja tanggung yang bandel dan baru dikeluarin dari sekolahnya. Selama perjalanan banyak banget cerita Holden yang bikin gue senyum-senyum geli, mikir. Menarik melihat sebuah perjalanan dari sudut pandang seorang cowok ABG, soalnya masih dipengaruhi pikiran-pikiran childish ala remaja tanggung. Lucu. :)) dan yang paling kerasa menurut gue sih fakta bahwa roadtrip tuh gak perlu ke tempat yang jauh-jauh, siapa tau roadtrip di kota tempat tinggal lo juga bakal cukup membuka mata :P

#2 Norwegian Wood – Haruki Murakami

Jujur nomor 3: sebenernya buku ini terlalu gloomy dan stressful. Tapi justru karena nuansanya yang gloomy dan terkesan 'empty' ini makanya buku ini cocok jadi teman seperjalanan, terutama perjalanan yang memang bertujuan untuk 'menyepi' sejenak dari hiruk-pikuk perkotaan. #halah
A solitary trip with this book would be wonderful. Narasinya yang deskriptif (as expected from a words-maestro like Murakami) bisa membuat pembaca benar-benar merasakan seperti apa Tokyo circa 1969 – gimana sifat para tokohnya, dan terutama pikiran-pikiran Toru yang sering bikin terhenyak. Lebih cocok lagi kalo baca buku ini sambil ditemani Norwegian Wood-nya The Beatles!

Mild warning: sesuai dengan tulisan di cover-nya, beberapa bagian buku ini menampilkan narasi erotis dan cenderung vulgar, tapi untungnya kecanggungan membaca bagian-bagian ini tertutupi dengan narasi bagian lain yang mengesankan. So I think this book's worth a shot. :)

#3 Wreck This Journal - Keri Smith

Harusnya buku ini gak masuk rekomendasi sih yaaa karena secara teknis kita akan lebih banyak 'mengisi' buku ini ketimbang membaca isinya. But anyways, buku ini sangat layak untuk dijadikan teman selama perjalanan. Setiap halaman menantang untuk sebuah kejutan, dan pada akhirnya lo akan diajak kembali jujur dan ekspresif terhadap diri lo sendiri. Beberapa halaman bakal bikin lo mengernyit jijik, atau membolak-balik buku itu dengan brutal, atau malah merobek halamannya, tp semakin banyak halaman yang lo 'lewati', semakin besar sense of accomplishment yang bakal lo rasain.
'Mengisi' buku ini bisa jadi terapi, dan perlu gue bilang bahwa: wrecking a (n) imported, expensive book has never felt so good. :)

Personal note: I’ve filled the last pages of this book during my roadtrip, and I found myself somewhat healed by doing so.

#4 Paper Towns - John Green

Sama seperti buku nomor 1, buku ini juga menceritakan tentang roadtrip bocah SMA, tapi diwarnai teka-teki yang asli bikin dahi mengernyit untuk mikir. Instead of doing the roadtrip to find himself, the guy did the roadtrip to find the girl he loves. Agak mengejutkan buat gue membaca buku ini karena gue taunya karya John Green biasanya spesialis bikin galau. Tapi ternyata cerita buku ini ringan, menyentuh, dan personally, bikin gue menyesal kenapa gue gak segila itu pas kelas 3 SMA *dikepruk*. Judul buku ini jadi benang merah dalam cerita dan maknanya bikin kita merenung.

#5 After Dark – Haruki Murakami

I think it’s not a crime to post 2 books from one writer just because he’s awesome. So far, this book is my most favorite out of Murakami’s other books because this one is surprisingly light but filled with intense and deep meanings in such short conversations. The most exciting experience you can have from this book is the fact that though you read this under the shining sunlight behind the mirror of your passenger’s seat, you’d still have that perfect late-night atmosphere of Tokyo inside your mind.

P.S.: berlawanan dengan judul bukunya, gue sengaja membaca buku ini siang-siang pas lewat Pekalongan dan ternyata efek ceritanya lebih hebat ketimbang kalo baca malem-malem.

Kalo diliat-liat, benang merah dari semua buku dalam list ini adalah hampir seluruhnya bertema growing-up stories. Well, this year that theme suits me a lot hehe. So here it is, folks… the list I’ve made during my roadtrip to Central Java and from my previous train trips to Bogor. I hope you enjoy the same experience I have from reading (and filling) these amazing books. ;)

Oh Wow

Yes, pardon the boring title. Anyways, it feels good writing here again after 3 months...

So, what's new?

I'd say "nothing", but then again what happened lately deserve more than "nothing", so here goes my random rant.

4th semester. HELL. Hahaha. Well, it really feels like it. Funny how every semester I always think that "OH SERIOUSLY THINGS COULDN'T GET ANY WORSER THAN THIS" but apparently, every semester I'm proven wrong. Things could go worse than the previous semester. More paperworks, more meetings, more seminars, and less sleeping. Oh and also, more sickness. Cool.
But anyways, despite all those uncool shit, being surrounded by my dysfunctional friends I have since Day 1 helps a lot. *hugs*

Ok, move on to the biggest events of this semester: lost my phone and got the 2nd strike of liver disease. Yep.

and also PSNMHII is getting closer, so...
the thing I hate about myself is my tendency to get unnecessarily stressed out while working on a job, especially when the deadline's getting closer. I'd be having this  unnecessary stomachache and fever and other crap. I'd be this bitter, sarcastic young girl who locks herself up in her room, wondering why she agreed to take that job on the first place and regret the whole thing. But once I really put my mind and ass into the tasks, I'd be immediately absorbed and all the regrets are gone. So. Deep inside I know I'm a workaholic, but admitting that I am would... I don't know, I just don't like being a workaholic. Haha.
So to my work partners, who won't be reading this crap anyway, I thank you for sticking with me and keeping that smile on your face while working with me eventhough deep inside you really want to punch me in the face for the constant laziness and whining. I appreciate your politeness of not actually punching me in the face and thank you for still wanting me to work with you guys. All those whines and fuss, please don't take them seriously.

...AND MAY THE ODDS WILL EVER BE IN OUR FAVOR. (did I do this right?)

OH AND I do love this particular lecturer and his class. Getting a good, qualified (although a bit mad) professor makes me feel like 8,3 million/semester isn't THAT useless. Hehe.

The funny thing is, the higher my semester number gets, the more I'd screw up. One moment I remember was when me, Indri, Ilona and Thio played ABC 5 Dasar during Teori Perbandingan Politik Luar Negeri RI and we didn't give a shit about the things Mas Dodi said in front of the class. Because seriously, that class is getting more and more surreal each week. I didn't even know why the hell Mas Dodi gave me a 71 on my midterm since I don't even understand any word I wrote on the answer sheet. Sheer luck, perhaps?

aaaand I'm crushing on a new guy. He brings back my giddy, 17 year old self and I love feeling that young again so thank you, new guy, I really don't mind. Keep thrilling me, will ya?

...but sadly, the old one still lingers. You know, I wish Combantrin or Kalpanax would work on him. To me, he's not only my comfort but also an annoying parasite and I'd be really happy to get rid of him. Ha.

Well, this has been awkward. Write to you later. :)

Sentimental Christmas

Marunouchi by Hiroko Tobuchi

Christmas is coming to town!

It's actually quite odd how I've always loved Christmas despite the fact that I'm a Moslem. Every year, I seem to have another addition to the 'Why I Love Christmas' list. Another odd thing is I don't live abroad. I live in Indonesia, which means Christmas isn't as cheerful as Christmas in other countries. AND PLUS we can never have White Christmas here in Indonesia. Such a shame. :b

But anyways,

this year's additional reason to my 'Why I Love Christmas' is... *drumrolls* Buble's Christmas Album! It's so good it makes me miss spending Christmas somewhere abroad. Which is pathetic because I've never spent Christmas abroad... :|

Funny how I've always wanted to spend Christmas walking around NYC's very own Central Park, but this year, listening to Buble's Christmas record, all I want is to walk down Tokyo's Marunouchi or Omotesando. Just me. No fancy NYC lights or people chattering in language I can understand. I just want myself and the quiet Japanese Christmas atmosphere - with people chattering in a language I can only dream.

On Feeling Misplaced and IQ84

Mungkin benar kata orang, secinta-cintanya tupai melompat, pasti jatuh juga seseorang terhadap sesuatu, pasti akan jenuh juga. In this case, gue lagi jenuh-jenuhnya sama HI. Jenuh belajar teknik diplomasi, jenuh pacaran sama paper setiap malming, dan jenuh-jenuh lainnya.

I've always thought that the phrase is a big joke, you know... karena gue merasa tidak pernah ngalamin. Eh ternyata kedapetan juga mengalami ini -- yang biasa orang bilang titik jenuh. Bah.

Yang agak menolong gue adalah kenyataan bahwa HI itu pilihan gue, and no one forced me to pick it on the first place. I pick IR because I love it. So yeah, I think I only have to find those reasons why I love studying IR in the first place :D

Mungkin perasaan misplaced ini ada hubungannya dengan badai tugas berkepanjangan. I can't recall the last time I spend my weekend without having to work on my damn assignments. Iya gila banget lho semester ini, tugas makin berat, mikir harus makin dalem, tapi deadline cuma seminggu. Entah dosennya sarap atau entah ini adalah bentuk pelatihan kejam seperti pelatihan di shaolin-shaolin itu, yang mengajarkan bahwa kesuksesan hanya bisa didapat setelah manusia jatuh-bangun nangis darah muntah pelangi ngerjain sesuatu yang kadar kesulitannya bikin jumpalitan. Owyeah.

On a lighter note,

Gue akhir-akhir ini lumayan menikmati kondisi keuangan gue. NOT. Hahaha. Maksudnya, gue sekarang sudah cukup kuat iman untuk menabung demi beli buku-buku impor yang gue pengen. Yeah, mengharap kemurahan hati Ayah untuk beliin gue buku-buku impor itu sama bodohnya dengan berharap bahwa SBY suatu hari terbangun dan menghukum mati para koruptor. Bottomline: useless.

AAAND ternyata Tuhan mendengar doa-doa gue yang setengah memaksa -- berkaitan dengan persoalan buku-membuku ini, yang fundingnya tidak cukup. Sarah, teman SMA gue yang kuliah di Malaysia, menjadi perantara Tuhan dalam memberikan rezekinya.

JADI GINI,

Waktu itu gue nge-tweet soal Haruki Murakami. Sarah ngeliat, dan dari situ kita lanjut BBMan dan gue baru tau ternyata dia fans Murakami juga. Mulailah gue setengah curcol cerita kalo di Indonesia, buku-buku Murakami itu tergolong mahal. The cheapest you can

get at Kinokuniya is 133K. Waktu itu dapet Norwegian Wood 80K bisa dibilang sebagai keberuntungan karena gue beli yang versi murah, bukan versi vintage yang harganya 133K itu. DAN TERNYATA Sarah berbaik hati menawarkan gue untuk nitip 1 bukunya Murakami yang mana aja karena di Malaysia lebih murah dan kebetulan banget dia mau balik bulan November (gue nitip bulan Oktober) BERBAHAGIALAH GUE. Tadinya gue ngebebasin Sarah untuk milihin buku Murakami yang mau dia beli buat gue, tapi terus gue teringat akan IQ84, buku Murakami yang paling baru... jadinya gue nitip buku itu. Okelah.

Menjelang kepulangan Sarah ke Indonesia, dia mampir ke toko buku di deket Sunway (tempat tinggalnya) dan BBM gue kalo IQ84 gak ada. Kuciwa cekaleh qaqa... tapi ya

sudahlah, gue lagi-lagi menyerahkan keputusan ke Sarah untuk pilihin buku Murakami.

ETAPI TAPI, pas dia ke Kinokuniya, taunya ada IQ84 and guess what?

HARGANYA.CUMA.270.RIBU.RUPIAH.

Mau nangis saking senengnya, soalnya Katy, a fellow Murakami fan yang beli di Aksara PP sehari sebelum gue nitip ke Sarah, harus berak duit demi beli IQ84. 375ribu nyet disini, gila. DAN GUE BERHASIL NITIP KE TEMEN DENGAN HARGA 270 RIBU. MWAHAHA.

The best part is, pas Sarah bawa ke kasir, ternyata buku itu diskon 20 persen jadinya cuma 220RIBU SAJA!!!! *pingsan saking bahagianya*

Oh well, this is my geeky self being happy because I can finally afford Murakami's newest IQ84. Mwah!

Selamat hari raya pemuda Indonesia!

Ngg... seharusnya saat ini gue berjibaku mengerjakan tugas review sialan tentang HAM di Australia dan Asia Tenggara untuk mata kuliah Kajian Kawasan Asia Tenggara yang akan dikumpulkan kurang lebih 3,5 jam lagi, tapi yasudahlah. Kali-kali dengan ngeblog pikiran akan lebih plong dan kemampuan gue dalam merangkai kata-kata indah untuk menghiasi review gue bakal meningkat (you wish).

BUT ANYWAYS,

Pagi ini gue mengubah status BBM dari kalimat bernuansa galau menjadi "Selamat hari raya pemuda Indonesia! Nyatakan mimpimu!" dan seorang teman langsung bertanya: "kenapa hari raya pemuda Indonesia? Kesannya kayak idul Fitri." LOL.

Alasan gue adalah karena semua pemuda Indonesia merayakan hari ini. Ada yang merayakan dalam arti eksplisit (ke Tugu Proklamasi, upacara, atau aksi 'memperingati' lainnya), tapi kebanyakan pemuda Indonesia merayakannya secara implisit: pergi ke sekolah, berjibaku ngerjain tugas *nunjuk diri sendiri*, atau mungkin kerja sambilan untuk bayar uang kuliah. Seluruh pemuda Indonesia punya caranya sendiri untuk memaknai hari mereka ini. Punya usaha-usaha sendiri untuk mencapai apa yang ingin dicapai pemuda-pemuda zaman dulu: kemajuan untuk diri sendiri dan bangsa sendiri, karena mereka pemuda. Agen perubahan. :)

Terus apa arti nyatakan mimpimu?

Buat gue, dua kata ini maknanya super spesial pake telor. Pertama, karena kata-kata ini tercetus di sebuah conference MSN malam-malam bareng Gaby dan Sharima. Kata-kata ini merupakan slogan buat 'bayi' yang sayangnya belum diizinkan untuk 'lahir' tahun ini... :P

Kedua, karena kata-kata ini punya dua makna yang sangat dahsyat.

Pemuda Indonesia bukan hanya harus menyatakan mimpi dan aspirasinya, tapi juga harus mewujudkan mimpi dan aspirasi mereka menjadi kenyataan.

...dan dua makna dari 1 kalimat "nyatakan mimpimu" membuat gue mengerti kenapa pemuda-pemudi zaman dulu sungguh-sungguh memperjuangkan bahasa Indonesia sebagai bahasa nasional:

karena sungguh, bahasa Indonesia adalah bahasa yang indah. :)

P.S.: setahun yang lalu, hari ini, gue dan teman-teman kelas A berjibaku pergi ke Tugu Proklamasi dan pulangnya makan-makan di Pizza Hut Plaza Semanggi ngerayain ultah Mbak Ira. Love you to the moon and back, honeys. :)

Pretty much a random sum up about my life

I'm amazed by how life's been pretty well for me these days... despite the fact that I just lost a person who's not only my bestfriend but the person whom I love very dearly.

One day around last week, I was so frustrated about this whole damn thing and I decided to go to Kinokuniya and bought a book. But before bringing "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" to the cashier, I walked through each aisle, picking up and reading every book's synopsis, wondering how exactly the content is and put it back in the shelf while listening to my favorite tunes, set on a high volume. Bookstores have always been my sanctuary despite the fact that I don't always have enough money to buy books :P

There's this part in "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" that stabs me right in the heart. It's the part where Charlie said,"I swear we were infinite." on the last sentence of part I. It stabs me because I thought me and him were infinite, too, but I forgot one thing: the only infinite thing in this world is change.

It's been very hard for me. It still is. I mean, leaving that comfy feeling behind and stepping out of the circle and 'restart' your whole mind to not get used to it anymore is terrifying. Really.

I think it's crazy how I could even think about leaving, especially since I know myself well. I'm not what you'd call an adventurer. I love being comfy, I love staying in my comfort zone no matter how painful it is.

I'm struggling to forget. The process is painful, and I don't know if I could ever pass this.

But anyways, I have my awesome friends backing me up from behind, so I guess I'll be ok. ;)

Another news, my college life is fun. Time sure flies. I'm on my 3rd semester now and I can't believe it. But what's so fun about being in college is you get to choose your classmates. You can have the same classmates for the rest of your college years if you want to. THAT, my friends, is the beauty of being a college kid. So high-school kiddos, go get yourselves in here because college is going to be much, much more fun than high-school!

But the downside of being a college kid is you can't choose your lecturer. Yeah I know, how come one thing so awesome still have downsides?

There's this one lecturer that pretty much a pain in the ass but hey, my other absurd lecturer from my 2nd semester is getting easier to understand these days, and some of my favorite lecturers from the 1st semester are teaching me again this semester, so I'm not really in the position to complain so much about that one particular lecturer :))

How's life been treating you, amigos? I hope it's treating you well.

Infinite hugs,

Azrina

P.S.: I'm looking for a new 10.

I'm sorry for being the worst bestfriend

"I'm sorry for being the worst bestfriend ya... I really am."

Those are the words I texted him a few minutes ago.

Yeah, I finally got to talk to him about this whole “me-loving-him-and-he's-not-but-hey-we're-cool-because-we're-bestfriends” crap...

and I gotta say that went perfectly well as I thought it would: me struggling to explain my damn complicated feelings to the oblivious him.

...okay, maybe he’s not so oblivious. But I was struggling back then, so yeah...

I told him I don’t blame him for anything. This isn’t anybody’s fault. If there’s anyone to blame, that would be myself and no one else.

I didn’t tell him that because I don’t want him to be angry, nor because I tried to sugar-coated my words, but I finally realized that: hey, it’s true.

It’s not his fault that I love him and he doesn’t love me in return.

It’s not his fault that I spent many nights crying over this damn hanging relationship we’ve buried ourselves in.

It’s not his fault. It’s not.

I used to blame him for everything.

...because really, how can I blame him when the only one who falls is me?

Him: I already gave you my answer, right?

Me: This isn’t a question. This is a statement.

Him: ok. So what should I do? You want to stop being friends?

Me: No. But I need time. I need time to neutralize everything.

So that’s pretty much everything. I told him that I have to retreat for a while because I really don’t want to see myself getting mad at him. I never want to treat him wrong.

I should’ve known that when you committ yourself in a friendship with the opposite sex, you gotta leave all the love stuff behind... because in some cases, love works. But most of the time, love and friendship is a bad combo.

...I didn’t. That’s why I’m a bad bestfriend, ladies and gentlemen.

P.S.: Honestly, 10, I don’t want to stop being friends with you. I just want to stop loving you, that’s all.

Changes

HAI! Long time no write.

Truth be told, I miss writing. Gaya ya, padahal sehari-hari ngerjain tugas kuliah juga termasuk nulis. Kangen aja sih nulis ngalor-ngidul tanpa perlu khawatir soal nilai tulisan.

Hm.

Anyways, life's been thrilling lately.

I just started my 3rd semester 3 weeks ago (itu udah agak lama ya, gak 'just started' dong? but either way, I still feel like it's kinda new. Oh well...)

....dan bulan depan udah UTS lagi aja dong. Dan seperti 2 semester sebelumnya, gue tetep gak tau harus belajar apa buat UTS... secara perkuliahan selama 3 minggu ini berlalu bagaikan angin Bahorok... gak ada yang masuk ke otak -_- tau secuil-cuil doang. Yasudahlah, mari pasrahkan nasib pada Allah SWT. Yang penting doa dan belajarnya dikencengin, yegak?

Semester 3 ini gue makin nempel sama kampus. Kelas banyak sih yang kelar siang, sama banyaknya dengan jumlah tugas per minggu, tapi ya kalo ngerjain tugas di rumah itu bawaannya malas dan ujungnya baru dikerjain jam 12 maleman, jadi mending gue ngerjain di kampus lah... di rumah tinggal ngedit + ngeprint. Efisien sih sejauh ini, tugas gue kelar semua sebelum tenggat, tapi ya itu capeknya masya Allah banget. Berhubung setiap pulang telat pasti ikut Ayah, nyampe rumah itu jam 10an. Kadang makan malem aja gak sanggup, biasanya gue sampe rumah langsung tepar abis bebersih badan. Huhu.

You know, October makes me feel weird about myself. About my whole life. Seriously.

Sabtu kemarin, tanggal 1, I attended this amazing seminar where I got to meet my idols *ehm* and some of my activist friends. Then on October 2nd, I started to look at my life from a different point of view and decided that I really need some major changes. Entah PMS entah kesurupan apa, but either way I'm stoked of this whole changing thing.

...especially my love life. *batuk-batuk sampe besok*

Yeah.

I've been crushing on this guy since forever, he knows it, we both know it, but we're stuck being bestfriends.

And I think it's starting to get unhealthy.

It's not his fault, it's not mine too, it's not anybody's faults, IMO... tapi ya daripada gue menuntut sesuatu yang gak bisa dia kasih dan ujung-ujungnya kita malah berantem, mending gue yang jauh-jauh aja deh dulu. Makin lama 'tercebur' dalam 'kenormalan' ini, makin gila gue rasanya. Perasaan ditekan-tekan terus, perasaan gue bukan tombol kipas angin soalnya. #apeu

So yeah if you read this, 10, if you ever read this unorganized and improper post yang mana sebagian besar isinya cuma curhatan gak jelas soal kehidupan gue yang gak jelas juga, I'm so sorry.

Maaf ya, gue gak bisa kasih penjelasan sekarang. Gue juga gak ngerti harus gimana.

Biasanya gue nulis. Biasanya nulis surat ke lo itu jadi solusi gue kalo gue udah bener-bener gak tau harus ngapain lagi dalam hubungan sialan ini. Tapi gak tau kenapa dari kemaren mau nyoba nulis surat gak sanggup... bener-bener gak sanggup. Satu kalimat pun gak sanggup.

Mungkin emang udah gak waktunya lagi gue bilang ke lo dan mengharapkan lo memberi apa yang gue mau.

But anyway, if you ever wanted to know, maybe this could sum things up.

There are indeed, some things that better left unsaid.

All I could explain to you is this...

"Pada akhirnya, saya dan kamu sama-sama harus terbiasa untuk tidak menyandarkan separuh jiwa kita pada satu sama lain..."

Watching a Piece of My High-School Days

Ngeliat Depapepe di Java Soulnation (watch it on FirstMedia since I'm not a big fan of going to concerts) jadi inget masa SMA gue.

Those days when all the kids have Depapepe on their MP3 players.

Those days when the guys are considered cool when they can master at least one Depapepe song. Those days when Hana would wear a big headset on every recess, imitating the guitar plays of Miura and Toku.

Those days when life was simpler than it is now; where their songs could heal boredom instantly.

Ah, I'm being sentimental.

My own alternate ending of Antologi Rasa

So here I am, trying to create my own alternate ending of my belated-favorite Antologi Rasa (yes, somehow I managed to say sane and alive after reading that book).

Keara

"Risjad, kelakuan lo itu ya... sampah banget kadang-kadang."

Harris Risjad si kampret di hadapanku ini cuma tertawa-tawa kesetanan mendengar teguranku.

Ah, it feels really good to blurt out those foul words again. Yes, again, setelah beberapa waktu vakum gegilaan bareng makhluk PK ini. Ups, aku lupa kalo aku sudah janji untuk pensiun manggil Harris dengan sebutan PK. Tentu saja makhluk ganteng sialan di hadapanku ini gak tahu janjiku itu, karena aku yakin kepala dia bakal membesar selamanya kalo sampe dia tahu.

Sama Ruly, aku gak akan pernah bisa sebebas ini. Cuma sama Harris aku bisa bebas jadi diriku sendiri yang kadang selengekan ini. Sama Ruly? Gila, dia bakal pingsan kali kalo tahu aku melewatkan sejam terakhir melempar kata makian dalam berbagai bahasa yang aku kuasai. Semua kata tersebut aku persembahkan gratis hanya untuk Harris Risjad. Ya, bukan Ruly.

Untuk pertama kalinya dalam hidupku, aku mendedikasikan sesuatu purely untuk Harris.

Ya, walaupun bentuknya hanya kata-kata makian.

Intensitasku ngumpul dengan Harris sudah mulai menumpuk sejak... sejak, yah... anggap saja sejak saat dimana aku, Harris, dan Ruly akhirnya berhasil mengumpulkan serpihan kewarasan kami yang sudah beterbangan entah kemana selama 3 tahun terakhir.

Sejak aku mulai bisa memandang Harris lagi dengan tatapan yang normal - bukan tatapan tajam menusuk seperti saat terakhir kali aku ketemu Harris di airport sepulang dari nonton calon jodohku mencabik gitarnya di Manila (yes, John Mayer itu calon jodohku. Maaf ya, girls).

Sejak aku mulai bisa menerima kalimat singkat pembelaan Dinda terhadap perbuatan Harris di Singapura:

"Keara, in all fairness, you fucked him when he was drunk too, right?"

Tapi saat ini, instead of aiming for something, somewhere - aku dan Harris tidak menuju kemana-mana.

Hanya disini, staying as bestfriends as long as possible - until one of us falls for the other one, for the second time.

Aku disini menunggu giliranku untuk jatuh hati pada Harris.

Ya, aku menunggu LAGI, hanya kali ini targetku berbeda - dan dia baru saja menyodorkan segelas jus apel padaku dengan cengiran khasnya itu.

"Apaan nih? Mana birnya? Cupu amat."

"Key, Key, sepik doang ya lo kemaren ngetweet mau hidup sehat? A healthy lifestyle doesn't include beer, you know. Lagian kan kita cuma mau nonton Finding Nemo, bukannya si kampret John Mayer itu."

Tawaku lepas dan terurai begitu saja. Jenis tawa yang cuma bisa diciptakan oleh keajaiban Harris Risjad - si tujuan baruku.

Tapi tenang, aku gak bakal menerapkan seluruh ilmu seducing-ku ke Harris Risjad ini, karena toh dia sama jagonya denganku (ehm), tapi most likely sih karena aku ingin membiarkan ini mengalir apa adanya.

Ruly? Ke laut aja deh.

Becanda kok. Aku, Ruly, dan Harris masih sering conference ngebanyol via BBM. Dengar-dengar sekarang Ruly lagi 'menikmati kebebasan hidup' setelah lepas dari status cungpret-nya selama di Border.

And I'm happy now, hearing him happy. The real, pure kind of happy; not the sad kind of happy I used to feel when I see him happy. Ngerti kan?

Sederhananya sih perasaanku ke Ruly saat ini bisa dengan gampang dijelaskan dalam 6 huruf:

i k h l a s.

Harris

Setelah susah payah, jatuh bangun membangun kembali kepingan harga diri gue yang terserak sejak gue jatuh cinta sama Keara, akhirnya gue bisa bilang ini: I've finally moved on from Keara.

Yeah, baby! THE Harris Risjad can now bang girls without having this big guilt anymore!

THE Harris Risjad, yours truly ini, yang baru saja membuang semua koleksi lagu Celine Dion dari iPod-nya.

How can I move on, you might wonder...

Well, itu gak mudah, kawan. Sama sekali nggak mudah. Gue harus melewati bermacam fase, siklus patah hati yang super perih sebelum akhirnya bisa sampai di tempat ini (well, di tumpukan bantal sofa-nya Keara dan di tengah 2 dus Domino's Pizza), toyor-toyoran bareng perempuan ini tanpa pengen nyium dia atau melakukan apapun yang berbau percintaan.

The more I try so hard to move on, the more I realize kalau ternyata kunci untuk bisa bahagia, untuk bisa move on, dan untuk bisa jumpalitan tanpa galau stadium akut adalah ikhlas.

Ya, gue mengikhlaskan Keara. Gue ikhlas jika saat ini gue belum ditakdirkan untuk memiliki seluruh partikel hidup dari Keara...

Gue sungguh ikhlas. Don't know how, don't know why, and don't know when, hanya itu yang gue tahu dan gue syukuri: gue mengikhlaskan Keara.

Dan gue berada disini sama Keara, kita bareng-bareng disini, melakukan semua hal ini, semuanya gue jalanin tanpa pretensi. Tanpa ekspektasi berlebih dan tanpa iringan lagu-lagunya Celine Dion lagi di kepala gue.

Gue dan Keara sekarang bisa duduk santai mendiskusikan kelakuan gue sama pacar-pacar gue (oh yes they're back, babe!) tanpa membuat gue mengharapkan macam-macam dari Keara (bayangin dia bakal nampar gue dan minta gue untuk memutuskan pacar-pacar gue dan menikahi dia saat itu juga, misalnya).

Only us with these pure laughs and lots of cussings, only us having each other as bestfriend.

Hanya itu.*

Dan jika salah satu dari kita ingin lebih, well... I think we already got the courage we need to say that out loud.

We learned from our mistakes, thankyouverymuch.

I don't give a damn anymore. Que sera sera banget deh sekarang.

Hati gue sekarang gak jauh beda dengan tingkat kesterilan di rumah sakit: nyaris seratus persen.

Nyaris, karena gue masih menyisakan 1 persen-nya, jaga-jaga kalau suatu saat nanti gue harus mengisinya lagi dengan Keara... atau mungkin yang lain.

Hey, who knows?

*): but I can't help to wonder why Key seems a bit pissed off everytime I tell stories about the girls I banged when I'm not with her.

Ruly

Setelah apa yang Keara katakan di mobil pada malam ketika kita putus, gue mulai sadar akan sesuatu: gak ada yang bisa gantiin Denise di hati gue, sekeras apapun gue berusaha melawan fakta itu.

Dan gue berusaha menerima kenyataan bahwa Denise memang tidak tergantikan. Posisinya bakal tetap disitu, di salah satu sudut terpencil hati gue... eh, kenapa juga gue jadi ngedangdut begini?

Intinya adalah, yang gue lakukan sekarang bukanlah mencari pengganti Denise - tapi mencari seseorang yang bisa membuat gue mengikhlaskan Denise, bukan menggantinya.

Dan mungkin, perempuan berambut merah yang sedang tersenyum di hadapan gue sambil memamerkan sekeranjang stroberi hasil petikan sendiri adalah perempuan yang bisa melakukan itu buat gue.

And I'd be happily in love with her for the rest of my life if she does.

Just Another Boring Post

Sometimes I wonder why is it so easy to hit the 'new post' button on the Dashboard but so hard to focus on finishing what I just started. *sigh*

AAANYWAY,

...there's actually nothing much to tell. I'm on my verge of my 3 months vacation, and I gotta say it's been far from what I expected (using this long vacation as a chance to actualize myself and other noble craps) but I've been enjoying it so far, so yeah... nothing beats enjoying days staying at home with nothing to do unless eating and watch your favorite tv shows and lazying around, right? ;) #menghiburdiri.

My beloved 'Cinca Lawra' best bud just left Indonesia for Idaho, and she's currently enjoying San Diego as we speak. Hehe. I miss her already... come home soon! :D

And I've been keeping a quote journal! It's basically a notebook filled with motivational, sarcastic, and galau quotes. The idea's inspired from Sasha, and since Iza gave me a notebook for my birthday and I feel like I'm kinda too old to keep a diary, so her gift becomes my first quote journal. Lovin' it so far, been writing 30 pages in 4 days... :D

So I guess that's all. HAHA. I know this post isn't satisfactory, but all these letters are all I can tell you for now. Stay sane, people! ;)

The Kind of Apocalypse I Never Wanted to Happen

Dari semua penciptaan yang absurd di dunia ini, gue paling gak ngerti kenapa Tuhan menciptakan kecoa. Makhluk coklat sok imut yang pede hinggap di beberapa daerah krusial rumah (dapur dan wc -- ini krusial buat late-night muncher kayak gue!).

Inget film Wall-E? Inget siapa kawan Wall-E di dumpster itu? Ya, seekor kecoa.

Di film Wall-E, boleh aja si kecoa jadi side-kick Wall-E... tapi di kehidupan nyata, kecoa merupakan public enemy #2 setelah Foke. #eh

Konon keberadaan kecoa ini sudah tercatat sejak zaman T-Rex masih seenaknya nginjek-nginjek bumi dan tanaman di dalamnya sampe gepeng. Ya, selama itu.

Gue gak bisa bayangin apa jadinya hidup gue kalo tiba-tiba di zaman gue hidup terjadi kecoa apocalypse. Yang jelas gue udah nonton Zombieland dan ternyata zombie apocalypse agak lebih cupu dibanding kecoa apocalypse.

I mean, you won't get killed by spraying a can of obat nyamuk to a zombie (because you don't need a can of obat nyamuk to kill zombies, damn it!) but you'd definitely die of being poisoned kalo kebanyakan menghirup obat nyamuk saat bunuh kecoa (which is - considering the greatness of obat nyamuk - it is necessarily needed to kill a kecoa)

Anyway,

Dari semua penghuni rumah, dan sejak gue kecil, gue terkenal sebagai anggota rumah yang paling takut liat kecoa. Rumah gue mungkin bisa disatronin Kak Seto karena gue rutin menjerit-jerit tiap liat kecoa... bahkan dari jauh sekalipun.

...Dan jenis ketakutan gue terhadap kecoa ini merupakan jenis ketakutan yang sering bikin Ibu marah-marah.

Alasan Ibu marah adalah karena gue ketakutan tapi gue menolak membunuh kecoa dengan cara apapun (semprot, hajar pake sendal/sepatu, etc).

Gue lebih memilih angkat kaki dan ribut menyuruh adik gue untuk membasmi kecoa kalo kebetulan ada di bagian rumah yang ingin gue tuju. Ini tentu saja bikin suasana rumah gue heboh kayak Pasar Malam karena seringkali gue menyuruh adik gue di waktu yang tidak tepat. Jam 1.45 pagi, misalnya... pas dia lagi enak-enak tidur dan gue seenaknya gedor pintu kamarnya untuk minta dia bunuh kecoa di wc.

Puncaknya adalah ketika gue menolak ambil wudhu untuk solat (padahal waktunya udah mepet) karena di deket bak mandi ada kecoa yang nangkring dengan manisnya, sementara kamar mandi yang lain terisi.

"Kamu lebih takut sama kecoa daripada sama Tuhanmu!"

Nah lho. Gue emang jarang solat, iman juga mepet jurang, tapi gue menolak untuk dianggap lebih takut sama kecoa daripada sama Tuhan. Sejak itu, gue pun mulai rajin solat. #eaa #hidayahkecoa

Sejak itu pula, gue mulai menahan diri untuk gak jerit-jerit tiap ketemu sama kecoa di rumah. Harusnya gampang karena pada dasarnya gue adalah orang yang paling rajin ngendon di kamar... tapi sayang sekali, seperti yang di-tweet @ferdiriva malam ini:

Tweet itulah yang terjadi sama gue seumur hidup. Gue paling sering ketemu kecoa, entah di wc, entah di dapur, entah kadang di luar... bener-bener neraka buat orang yang fobia kecoa kayak gue.

Lalu akhirnya gue mengambil sikap tegas.

Gue akan fight back! YEAH!!!

Percobaan pertama niat mulia ini terjadi dini hari, di wc. Seperti biasa, jam-jam dini hari adalah jamnya gue ngemil.

Pas ke wc, gue celingak-celinguk mencari si makhluk coklat ngeselin itu... then I spotted one. Tanpa jerit-jerit, gue langsung lari ngambil sekaleng obat nyamuk lalu gue semprot ke arah si kecoa tanpa ampun. Kecoa itu rupanya pantang menyerah menguji niat gue, karena dia ga mati-mati tapi malah kabur kesana-kemari berusaha menghindari semprotan maut sang obat nyamuk. Tapi akhirnya si kecoa tersudut, dan gue pun menang! Setelah beberapa semprotan penuh dendam, akhirnya si kecoa terbalik kalah. Gue pun pipis dengan senyum penuh kemenangan karena berhasil lolos tantangan pertama.

...yang jadi masalah adalah after-effect setelah adegan semprot-semprotan yang heroik itu. WC dipenuhi dengan bau obat nyamuk yang bikin pusing. Gue pun harus menunaikan ibadah buang hajat sambil sesekali nahan napas biar ga ikutan kebalik kayak kecoa yang baru gue bantai tersebut.

Dan malam ini, gue pun baru sadar bahwa sesungguhnya kecoa adalah makhluk paling licik di dunia ini. Dia membiarkan gue ikut mati pelan-pelan dengan menghirup obat nyamuk yang gue semprot untuk ngebunuh dia! Luar biasa.

Jangan kira kecoa tidak merencanakan plot licik yang sama buat kalian yang lebih suka membinasakan kecoa dengan sendal atau sapu (entah gimana caranya matiin kecoa pake sapu, gue sih jijik).

Dengan sendal/sapu, bekas-bekas lengket dari kecoa yang lo bunuh bakal menempel di sol sepatu atau ijuk sapu. Gak masalah kalo cuma sendal jepit Swallow, tapi kalo sepatu Geox? Louboutin? (siapa juga yang mau getok kecoa pake Louboutin?!) jijik banget.

Same goes for sapu, lo kan bakal pake sapu itu buat nyapu rumah, yekale lo mau bersihin rumah dengan beberapa intisari kecoa... big no no banget menurut gue. Bisa dicuci sih emang, but it never works the same for me. Sekali sendal/sepatu/sapu dipake buat bunuh kecoa, kasta mereka turun seribu derajat. I'd most likely not use them again in the near future.

Jadi lagi-lagi, lo yang merugi.

***

On a lighter note (cukup sudah bincang-bincang tentang kecoa),

Puasa hari ini breaks my own personal record. I was once buka puasa at 7 PM because I was too absorbed reading Chamber of Secrets... and back in the evening, I was too... kebluk to woke up at Maghrib. I fell asleep at 4 PM and woke up at 7.35. Nice.

Hope life's treating you good, people. Goodnight! :)